Kids are terrifying. And not in an “Oh my god, responsibility! They’re walking into the road! What the hell does ‘wannchobakit’ mean?” way. I mean in a tricycle-riding, balloon-carrying, enigmatic-smiling kind of way.
If you don’t believe me, here is the proof.
A curious parent asked Reddit this week “What is the creepiest thing your young child has said to you?”. Little did they believe within a few days they would have upwards of 11,000 responses, from the bone-chilling to the downright weird, ranging from “Mummy, who is that man behind you?” (in an empty room) to “Miss, I’m going to put my penis on your face!” (which is terrifying in it’s own way). It even lead to a (web)quest to find the illusive Mr.Rand visiting so many young children….
Here are some of the best….
- My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy its a monster..we should bury it.”
- My noticeably pregnant sister and I were having a conversation at the dining room table. My 4 year old son was also present and asked my sister if there was a baby in her belly. She affirmed. He, completely straight faced, slid from his chair and headed for the kitchen saying “We need to get it out. I’ll go get the knife. ” I don’t even know…
- My daughter is four and has taken to telling nonsensical knock-knock jokes (e.g. “Why did the Mama cross the road? Because her arms were noodles!”). One day she busts this one out:
Why did the butt cross the road?
Because it had a plug in it!
I have never felt so many conflicting emotions about my child.
- “Daddy, remember that time we died?”
- My five year old son asked me last week “what do you see through the black circles in my eyes when you’re controlling me when I’m at school?”
- My son (about 6) asked my mother to lay down on her stomach, then he sat on her butt and started bouncing up and down and proclaimed, “Now we’re mating like reptiles!” Thanks Discovery Channel!
- When I was about 3 we had a cat that had still born kittens. I asked my father if we could make crosses for them, which he did. As he was making them I asked:”aren’t those too small?”,Dad: “What do you Mean?”Me: “aren’t we going to nail them to them?”
Dad: (after several moments silence) “we’re not going to do that”
- When I was about 4, I would remember talking to “Mr.Peterson” whenever I was at my grandmothers house. He looked like a hobo from the great depression and had a guitar and sang me old timey blues, he told me that he died when he fell of a train he was riding whist drunk on moonshine. I stopped seeing him when I was about 6.Anyway, 6 months ago I found my dads old acoustic guitar and started playing, and my little cousin told me “Mr.Peterson is proud of you!” And left.I dont know what to think
- 5 year old: “Mommy, when you die I want to put you in a glass jar so I can keep you and see you forever”To which the 6 year old responds: “That’s stupid. Where are you gonna find a jar that big?”
- My daughter said to me that there is a woman who watches her watch movies in her room and sleeps on the ceiling above her bed when she sleeps. she also says it dose not like me and wants to eat my heart. my kid watches elmo and fucking dinosaur train. where in the hell did she get this from?
- My 3-year-old son generally has a happy-go-lucky attitude, so this is pretty odd.Sometimes when he’s cuddling with his mommy, he’ll say, very seriously, “Mom, I promise I won’t ever chew on your bones. I promise.”
- It wasn’t a child, but a young cousin of mine who is a bit autistic once told me that Pokemon made him feel like he shouldn’t be alive.I’m still not sure what he meant.
- OK, backstory time. When I was a kid “Mr. Rand” used to come into my room 4 or 5 times a week. He’d talk to me and tell me about ‘stuff’ and how he was killed in WW2. See Ol’ mate Rand was a figment of my 4 year old imagination. Any way one day when I was 9 or so Mr. Rand stopped showing up.Fast forward to about 3 years ago and my son, who is about 5 at the time, walks out of his room one night at about 11:30and says there’s a man in his room. I flip out And run in his room to find nobody to which he then says “Mr. Rand said you can’t see him anymore, but he’s ok!”. The kids got his own imaginary mate called Mr. Rand, but they only chat once or twice a year.
If you’re freaked out, it’s worth reading the whole thing here if just for the hilarious responses from other users- My own favourite was “Maybe she didn’t say BAD MAN, maybe she said BATMAN….”